toxic positivity: fuck happy thoughts

What a crazy time to be alive! We’ve got full state lockdowns across the country. We are being called to literally just do nothing and somehow can't manage to get everyone to participate. From the looks of it, we’d better settle in and get comfortable, guys.

What we are living through right now is a breeding ground for uncontrollable anxiety, depression, and probably just all mental health issues in general. Some of you might be having a hard time keeping it together at times and I just want to remind you

It’s okay to not be okay sometimes.

Things are weird and uncertain. Our way of life is kind of wrecked right now. We are allowed to take some space to grieve that reality before we accept whatever is coming next.

I have been uncharacteristically calm throughout this global crisis so far. (We are on Day 8 of my family’s official quarantine, check back with me on Day 30 to see how that holds)

I haven’t figured out yet if I am just in denial or if, due to my regular unrelenting anxiety, I'm so accustomed to living in panic mode that this is just another day in my own personal brand of paradise.

Regardless, I’m enjoying these full and uninterrupted days with the fam. It is nice to have my husband home and doing life with us. I’ve definitely been able to sneak in some extra all-by-myself time having another adult around for damage control and that is like, pure gold. I’ve been learning lately that I’m a highly sensitive person and I’m an empath. Like, when I say “I feel you”- I actually feel you. I need time to myself with my own thoughts and feelings to not be a dysfunctional rage machine. I need to be able to have complete thoughts and time to just do nothing. As a SAHM, I typically do not get enough of either. I am thoroughly taking advantage of this time to get more grounded and organize my thoughts.

Despite my general optimism surrounding this pandemic, I have absolutely had my moments (or days) of sheer panic. When reality sunk in that we no longer had a consistent income, indefinitely, I let that fear creep in. I let it hang around for a while and then I released it when I eventually realized that I would rather be (hopefully only temporarily) broke, with my husband home during all this. If I was momming solo for 12 hour days right now, I’m not sure how mentally stable I would be.* I can handle running up credit cards to feed the kids for now. We will survive this together. Even if I have to webcam myself squishing bread with my face and sitting on cakes for weirdos on the internet.

When our anxiety starts to take over, it is so simple for people to tell us to “just stop worrying” or to “think positively”. There is seriously nothing less helpful or more frustrating than hearing that from everyone. It sucks to have your feelings brushed aside and being told you shouldn’t feel them because they have been labeled as "bad". Thinking only happy thoughts was something I really struggled to understand for a long time. It is impossible to only have positive thoughts. Shitty things happen and we can not be expected to only think loving and optimistic things about them. We are human beings with an unimaginable spectrum of emotions. They won’t all be sunshine and daisies, but they are all a part of the human experience and it is healthy to feel them.

It only stops being healthy when you get stuck in a spiral of doom and gloom and can’t see the spark of light at the end. It’s mentally destructive when you start to actually believe all your “worst-case scenario” programs are an inevitable reality. I've been there and it sucks.

The light in this world can not exist without the dark. The more you practice going back and forth between the two, the easier it gets to pull yourself out of that doom spiral. Feel the feelings, but don’t forget to release them. Give yourself the space to process them instead of spending your time and mental energy feeling guilty for even having them. The guilt only disrupts and prolongs the process and keeps you stuck.

You can visit “everything is so fucked” occasionally, but make sure you make it back to “everything will be fine” as soon as you can. It is super important to feel the fear and validate it. But then, you gotta channel your inner Elsa and

LET IT GOOOOO!

The longer this pandemic goes on, the more I realize we are participating in a marathon and not a sprint. We need to emotionally pace ourselves and allow for the ups and downs of our mental health through all of this. Even after we are allowed to start socializing again, the rules are going to be different than they used to be. Possibly permanently? As we get accustomed to our new normal, we are going to have some emotional stuff come up.

Right now, we are being called to facilitate a shift in society on a level that no one has ever experienced before. We are all going to have lots of feelings about it for a long time. Those feelings are all valid and it is okay to have them. The good ones and the bad ones.

My daily mantra right now is Olaf’s perfectly appropriate quote from Frozen 2,

“We’re calling this- Controlling what you can when things feel out of control.”

Apparently, we can practice a lot of Frozen philosophy while in crisis.

Anyway, I repeat that mantra to myself a lot throughout the day. It reminds me to just survive right now. Just be where I am right now and work with myself within this space.

Take care of yourself a day at a time. An hour at a time if that works better. Listen to music, read books, write stories, create things. Just be. Until tomorrow, and then do it again.

We are in this together. Love and light.

*I understand that not everyone gets to quarantine completely and I am holding space for all of you so hard! We will all struggle in our own ways throughout this. We can all love and support each other as we navigate our own unique situations.